They Play Soccer in Middle Earth, Too!
by EvilReceptionistOfDoom
Summary: Rohan vs. Moria football match. Who will proceed towards the Arda Cup semifinals? Who will not survive the tournament? Will weapons be disallowed from the field? Does the goal count if your horse kicks it in? ...pretty please review
1. Pregame

((LotR Football - this will be ongoing if anybody actually reads it... )) 

PREGAME

"Hello and welcome to the 1,453rd Arda Cup soccer tournament quarterfinals. This match will be the first of the third round, deciding who proceeds to the semifinals: Rohan or Moria. Will the dwarves of Balin overcome their hereditary disadvantages or will the Rohirrim favorites manage to hold on to their chance at their 8th Arda Cup victory? Stay tuned."

"Hello, we're coming to you live from Redhorn Gate Stadium on a balmy summer afternoon - it's 68 degrees, the grass is dry, and it's perfect weather for football! I'm Athonin Merrypus."

"-and I'm Bretmyrtl Kanithion-"

"-and we'll be your commentators for this first quarterfinal match of the 2760 Third Age Arda Cup tournament. Let's review the situation so far."

"Well, yesterday Mirkwood knocked Lonely Mountain out of the the running, and after Iron Hills' disappointing loss to Near Harad on Wednesday, this match will decide whether the dwarves have any chance of all at winning the Cup. The Iron Hills team was the dwarven favorite this year, but Moria's upset victory over Laketown showed Middle Earth that the mithril mines can produce some surprising moves."

"Indeed! Boron Clovenbeard's impressive goal Thursday may not have been strictly regulation, but as the ref pointed out, there are no rules expressly forbidding the use of an ax as a club with which to knock the ball down the pitch. We can expect to see more of this in the game today, though MEFA Middle Earth Football Association will likely amend the official law book before the next Arda Cup rolls around."

"There was also some fancy footwork with Rohan last week, as the horse-lords shut out the Misty Mountains goblin team 3-0. The Rohirrim were up to their usual horseplay, if you'll pardon the pun, with a spectacular bicycle-kick by Ulric Son of Ulmar to clinch the victory at the end."

"And an easy victory it was, too! The MM goblins had three red cards in the course of the match, which put them at two less players after Rohan lost Hatha Son of Hathilda to a red card when Son of Hathilda beheaded the opposing team's keeper. Halla Son of Hallnar is still in critical condition following a retributive foul by MM captain Gorthom, who was also red-carded. With Misty Mountains keeper Klugblatt being the twelth player killed in this year's tournament, MEFA is seriously considering amending the rules to forbid players from bringing weapons onto the field."

"Such a great change in the rules will probably see massive protest from the fans, though. Weaponry are part of the enjoyment of the sport. Why, who can forget the 1982 Third Age Cup final, when Ellinor Son of Caramor slew the entire Mordor team, ensuring a victory for Gondor at his own expense, as enraged Mordorran fans tore him limb from limb? That, in my opinion, is the true spirit of football."

"Speaking of football, let's go now to Redhorn Gate Stadium, where the players are now entering the pitch..."

((the match itself is forthcoming, but I won't post it unless you leave reviews so I know anyone is actually reading this...))

((P.S. thanks to those who pointed out my typos - don't feel bad, it's actually quite helpful))


	2. First Half

((Note: Man this was fun to write... but it took forever, so let's just say 45 minutes has been, ahm, truncated. Or, compressed, if you will. Yeah. If you haven't written a review yet, you should write one. Otherwise I will be sad and unmotivated to ever complete the Arda Cup, and then you'll never know who wins, and then you'll be sad too. So.))

FIRST HALF

"...And there's the kickoff!"

"And Rohan has the ball! Of course the dwarves, having a shorter stride, are at a definite disadvantage here, but watch those little legs go! Oscar Son of Oswic has the ball... Flori Thunderaxe is racing for it... Son of Oswic passes to Edgart the Wanderer... Edgart passes to Eric Son of Erred... Eric passes back to Oscar... Oscar back to Edgart... Edgart to Oscar... What are they doing?"

"I don't know, Athonin! It looks like they're teasing the dwarves! This could be bad."

"OH! Thunderaxe gets the ball away!"

"How did he do that!"

"It looks like he darted between Son of Erred's legs! Well, the Moria team may not be much for height but they're definitely very dangerous over short distances-"

"-and in small spaces!"

"Flori passes to Doofer downfield-"

"Intercepted! Aelfric Son of Aelfred drives the ball down the pitch - Moria can't keep up. He'd better slow down or he'll get an offsides penalty."

"Aelfric passes to Eoron Son of Eomund, the Rohan team captain. Eoron to Oscar. Oscar to Eored son of Eogarth. Eored to Eoron... Oh, blast, they're doing it again."

"Well, they've got to pass the time somehow til the dwarves catch up."

"True, but the fans don't like it. I hear booing..."

"And here's Boron Clovenbeard, Moria captain, trying to get at the ball - but Eoron's evading him. As the tallest member of the Moria team at four-foot-nine, Boron can't pull off a trick like two-foot-eight Thunderaxe."

"Eoron passes to Eored. Back to Eoron. Son of Eomund runs it down the pitch - shoots! And the ball bounces off the goalpost."

"Rohan'll have to have better aim than that if they want to win the match - Moria may lack offense, but their defense is definitely Cup-worthy, and the horse-lords should find it hard to beat."

"Moria keeper Goli the Roly-Poly throws the ball to Clovenbeard - Clovenbeard kicks it to Coin Coalface - INTERCEPTED, by Ulric Son of Ulmar! Ulric to Aelfric. Aelfric heads it to Rolf of the Riddermark, who heads it to Aethelem, who heads it to Edgart."

"This is a clever tactic the Rohirrim are taking - if they can keep the ball in the air the dwarves won't be able to reach it-"

"-but that's not keeping Moria from trying! Nofur leaps for the ball, but it sails over his head and to the outstretched foot of Son of Ulmar, who executes his trademark bicycle kick-"

"No goal! Roly-Poly hits it out with his axe!"

"Right to Aethelem - he bends it into the goal-"

"No goal! Goli knocks the ball back onto the pitch with his axe!"

"Hallamoin kicks it in-"

"-Poly knocks it out! That's some impressive axe-work!"

"_This_ is why MEFA wants to amend the rule-book-"

"Eric tries for it, Roly-Poly stops him! Amazing!"

"-to keep weaponry out of play - situations like this-"

"In! Out! Rohan can't get it past the wall of steel that is Goli Roly-Poly and his flaming axe of doom!"

"-are not fair play! Bret, are you even listening? ...And did you really just say 'flaming axe of doom?"

"Shut up, Merrypus! Now Poly's got it - he kicks the ball downfield to Snori, who runs it towards Rohan's goal - overtaken by Edgart the Wanderer! But Snori's not going to let him have it - there's a short duel for the ball - Edgart's down! And the ref's got a yellow card!"

"Yellow card! What rot! The Wanderer's got blood streaming down his leg - looks like he can't stand - medical staff are assisting him off the field. Now, see, Bret? THIS IS WHY WEAPONS SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED ON-FIELD!"

"He's still got all his limbs, hasn't he! Looks like Rohan's substituting in Flaedwic the Thick-Skinned. He's an old hand at the Cup - this'll be his third tournament, and Rohan's first substitution of three. ...And the game's back on! Rohan has the ball - Flaedwic runs it downfield - past the dwarf defenders - past Flori Thunderaxe, shortest player on the Moria team - you could say he's a DWARF dwarf defender, ha ha - Flaedwic shoots-"

"OH! Right into Goli's ample gut. But with padding like that, as well as armor, Roly-Poly looks unhurt at that rocket of a shot from Thick-Skinned Flaedwic. He tosses the ball to Thunderaxe."

"Looks like Rohan's made a good choice in their substitution... Flori goes under Eric's legs again - Hallamoin goes for the ball but is deterred by Flori's axe, brandished threateningly-"

"-which some might consider cheating-"

"Oh, shush. Rohan's keeper, Hondo the Bastard, must be getting bored by now. And it looks like the Rohirrim have confidence in him, as they are letting the diminuitive dwarf steal past them like a wolf in the night-"

"Would you quit with the flowery language, Kanithion! This is a radio broadcast, not an epic poem! Thunderaxe kicks it in-"

"GOOOOAAAALLLL! The ball just brushes Hondo's fingertips and slips in! That's Moria one, Rohan nothing!"

"There's just eight minutes left in the first half, plus stoppage time - plenty of time for the horse-lords to score, but they've got to get on their game right away."

"This should put an end to the arrogant behaviour the Rohan team has been demonstrating throughout the match - I'd say that's the last time they let a dwarf onto their end of the pitch."

"Indeed. And Hondo kicks the ball more than three-quarters of the way down the field to Rolf of the Riddermark, who's ready to head it to Aethelem, who heads it into the Moria goal-"

"-and over it! He's overshot! Snori has the ball-"

"Intercepted by Eored! He kicks it towards the goal-"

"No good, Goli knocks it out!"

"But Eoron's got it - feints left - feints right - feints a goal shot and passes to Eored, who kicks it in! GOOOOAAAAALLLLL! Roly-Poly dives for the faked shot and a perfect kick by Son of Eogarth slips past him into the net! Beautiful!"

"And now there's two minutes stoppage time - Rohan's got the ball again-"

"Fofur gets it! He's dribbling it down the field-"

"-passes to Lori-"

"Intercepted! Flaedwic Thick-Skin knees it to Son of Oswic-"

"-who shoots-"

"No good! And there's the whistle. That ends the first half of this quarterfinal match with Rohan and Moria tied one-one. We'll return with the second half after these messages from our sponsors..."


	3. Second Half

SECOND HALF

((Author's note: Sorry I put in that, um, fast-forward, so to speak, in the middle, but you're not really missing anything... really...))

"We now return to you from Redhorn Gate Stadium, where Moria and Rohan are tied one-one at the start of the second half of the first quarterfinal. Who will proceed to the semifinals? Whose hopes for the Arda Cup will be dashed? It'll all be decided in the next forty-five minutes."

"And Rohan's got the ball! Eric Son of Erred's dribbling it down the pitch - passes to Aethelem, who passes to Hallamoin... It looks like the Rohirrim have finally got up the speed they're known for, which was noticeably lacking in the first half. Hallamoin kicks it to Eoron, who dodges past the dwarves as if they were stone. He shoots- No goal! Bounces off the top of the crossbar!"

"Snori throws it in - recall he got a yellow card in the first half for crippling Edgart the Wanderer, Rohan's star striker-"

"Oh, come off it, Athonin, 'crippling'? I'd hardly say that..."

"Coin Coalface heads it to Fofur, but unfortunately Oscar Son of Oswic's foot is there to intercept it! Oscar kicks it to Flaedwic the Thick-Skinned, who pokes it to Hallamoin, who shoots-"

"GOOOOOAAAAALLLLL! Great Ulmo, Athonin, did you see that! That has got to be one of the most beautiful shots I have ever seen in a regulation match!"

"For all of you listeners, what we have just witnessed is what makes Hallamoin one of the most desirable players in club football. He managed to arc the ball in the exact perfect manner so as to avoid the cluster of Moria defenders and his own teammates, clear keeper Roly-Poly's swinging axe, and slip into the top left corner of the goal just out of Poly's reach to swish into the net behind him. Incredible."

"In the forty-ninth minute, it's Rohan two, Moria one, with a spectacular goal by Hallamoin... And the crowd appears to be chanting, 'Give 'em hell, Halla,' as Loin drives the ball down the pitch toward the Rohan goal. Loin passes to Miner, who has not moved throughout the entire course of the match except to get out of the way of the halftime performance by the Lothlorien Women's Choir and to return to the opposite side of the pitch upon resumption of play. Miner looks startled - he kicks the ball away-"

"-right to Eored Son of Eogarth, who kicks it downfield to Aelfric Son of Aelfred - Son of Aelfred to Rolf of the Riddermark - Rolf to Aethelem - Aethelem's in good position - he shoots-"

"No goal! Blocked by Goli Roly-Poly's axe!"

"The dwarves have it - Rohan's got it! Rolf to Hallamoin! And the crowd's shouting, 'Hall-a-moin, Hall-a-moin!' He's setting up for a shot-"

"Intercepted! Flori Thunderaxe races in and steals the ball from between Hallamoin's feet! And he's running it downfield! Have you ever seen a dwarf move this fast!"

"Not since Odin Mithrilbrain in the 1984 semifinal between Iron Hills and Nan Curunir, but he was being pursued by wargs at the time-"

"OH! Flori goes down! I guess he was going too fast for his own feet! And Ulric Son of Ulmar races up to take the ball. Passes to Aethelem! Aethelem to Aelfric-"

"Now Oscar has it - he kicks it in-"

"No goal! Goli knocks it out with his axe!"

"To Eoron Son of Eomund - to Eric - he shoots-"

"No goal! Goli knocks it out with his massive gut!"

"Impressive... Aelfric's got it - kicks it in-"

"No goal! Roly-Poly gets it with his axe... There's the whistle. Looks like Roly-Poly's severed the ball in two right on the goal line. The ref's coming to take a look at it..."

"This hasn't happened since the Second Age! Hopefully the referee knows what he's doing."

"I don't doubt it - the ref's one of the five Istari, the lesser-known Figglenob the Puce, who takes time from his wizarding duties to frequent football matches across the continent and beyond. And - and - IT'S GOOD! GOOOOAAAALLLL!"

"That's Rohan three, Moria one... Oh, it looks like there's an altercation between Moria captain Boron Clovenbeard and the ref. Figglenob doesn't look happy."

"And Boron just shoved Figglenob! The wizard's got a yellow card! And a staff! OH! What was THAT!"

"Clovenbeard's - he's got donkey ears sprouting from his helm! And Figglenob's leaving the pitch-"

"Boron's being restrained by his teammates - he's shouting something at the ref-"

"The Puce Wizard slowly turns - he's pulling something out of his robe-"

"RED CARD! Clovenbeard's OFF!"

"Great Ulmo! That puts Moria at ten players, and with their captain gone they've lost one of their best players as well! Goes to show how much can be said for the wisdom of dwarves..."

"Indeed! And the game's back on, twenty-two minutes remaining. Rohan's got the ball..."

(Twenty minutes later)

"...And that's Rohan six, Moria one! The dwarves are just being slaughtered out there!"

"Quite literally in the case of Miner, who mysteriously collapsed just moments ago - we now have confirmation from medical staff that he did, in fact, suffer a fatal heart attack brought on by acute cirrhosis of the liver, arteriosclerosis, and overexposure to sunlight, not to mention severe shock when he was passed the ball a second time..."

"The dwarves have substituted in Moin, a rookie from FC Dale, just eighty-six years old. And Moin's got the ball - he's dribbling it down the pitch..."

"This is good for Moria, whose team has been looking increasingly fatigued - Moin's got fresh legs, and he's showing it! Look at him go!"

"He's running it towards Hondo the Bastard, who appears to be sleeping! As if this is the right time for a nap!"

"Well, who can blame him? The Moria offence has posed about as much threat of scoring in this second half as a hobbit has of joining a multiracial band of adventurers and journeying to Mordor to have tea with the Witch-King! Eoron's shouting at him to wake up-"

"We're on added time now, ofwhich there should be quite a lot- Moin shoots-"

"No goal! But that's got to have woke Hondo up!"

"The ball hit the sleeping keeper square in the nose! Hondo's on the ground - he's not getting up."

"Moin shoots again! But the ball bounces off Hondo's foot, which is just outside the goal!"

"Eoron's shaking the keeper. The Bastard's getting restive - OH! He punches his own captain in the face!"

"And Eoron's down! But as he falls he's deflected a third shot by Moin! Now THAT'S lucky!"

"And there's the whistle! Eoron and Hondo both look okay - a little bruised perhaps..."

"That's the match, folks! Moria goes home in disgrace while Rohan proceeds to the semifinals, where they will face Mordor or Mirkwood, contingent on tomorrow's match. Tune in tomorrow to see which it will be!"

((Final Score: 6-1 Rohan. Man of the Match: Goli Roly-Poly. Mordor v. Mirkwood coming up! It will be its own story, btw, not another chapter...))


	4. FYI

Hey y'all! The next match is its own story. That's all. Just making sure you know. 


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